Under Double Moons
by mazarineandsanguine
Summary: Sleep deprived Reylo crack fic? You betcha! Kylo/Rey/Taylor Swift aka Darth Susan/Lana Del Rey/insomnia. If you're looking for serious Reylo fic, you better turn around now, sweaty. Also there's swears.
1. UDM CH 1: It's All In The Cards

Listen, okay, I could tell ya the story just like it happened and it would be informative, ya'd know all the big plot points and the way the fuckin' sunlight dappled Rey's hair and shit, but would ya really know what it was like to be there? No. Ya can't know. 'Cause I wasn't there. But this tiny fuckin' bug was. She saw EVERYTHIN'. And boy, does she have a story to tell. So I'm gonna let her tell it. Where is she? Thaleem? Where are ya? It's time to tell the story of Rey and Kylo and ho—CRUNCH—oh SHIT. Shit shit shit. Fuck. Dammit. I knew this was gonna happen. I told her we should just Skype it. God dammit. *rubs temples realllll fuckin' hard* WELL! I guess I'm gonna have to try to remember everythin' she told me. The paper runs at 6! Can't stop the press! Fuck. She was such a nice little bug.

Ok so we start on the planet Mugdorf. I've been there before and let me tell YA it is a shithole. Nobody goes there for fun. I drew the short straw at work and got sent to do a story on how the last of the Ergbines are dyin' and let me tell ya, it was fuckin' depressin'. These beins have lived there for a millennia and there are only 25 of them left. Really a downer of a story. My boss loved it though. Made her cry.

Anyway, so on this dumpster heap of a planet, which is basically one giant, farty swamp by the way, there was this chick Rey. Rey's this spunky orphan—well she doesn't call herself that but like, GIRL, your parents are NOT comin' back, okay? Anyway, she had opened her own toenail salon and honestly, girl was makin' fat stacks. She wasn't no Yile King or nothin', but she knew how to do her books, how to advertise, how to bring the customers back, ya know what I'm sayin'? Really inspirin'.

So there she was livin' her best life when one day some Imperial Guards or whatever come knockin' at her door. Only it's Frangsday, and she was always closed on Frangsday, on accounta she had some kinda ritual goin' on down by her favorite swamp or sumpin'. That's what the locals said at least. They kinda left her to her own, ya know? And so she don't answer the door, on accounta she ain't there. But the owner of the Grunger Jerky shop next door notices these bastards in white, and so he sends his son down to the swamp to warn this chick. When the son comes back, he's cryin'. His father asks him, "Why ya cryin' kid?" and apparently when the little pipsqueak told Rey the news that the lunkheads were lookin' for her, she VANISHED INTA THIN AIR RIGHT THEN AND THERE! The father's eyes went all wide and shit and he hurried his son into his shop. He told his son in whispers to never tell anyone what he had seen.

When the Imperial Guards realized Rey wasn't comin' back, they went around to every damn building in town. When they got to the jerky shop, the little kid put his hands in his pockets because they were shakin' so bad, and stared at the floor as they questioned his father. His dad remained all stoic and firm lipped and they didn't even think to question the little pipsqueak. They finally left, havin' learned nothin', and soon after their ship launched up into the sky and as far away from that swamp-ass planet as it could get.

Ok, so where the hell did this chick go? Well. There are about a bazillion planets in this whole clusterfuck of a galaxy/universe/whatever, so she could have gone anywhere. Seriously. There were so many nice, lush planets she could have chosen from. Ones with lakes and rivers and binta grass as far as the eye could see. One with tiny yeglomites roaming everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE. Christ, even the planet that was basically Connecticut ALL OVER would have been better than where she chose. But the heart is a fickle creature, my friend.

Ok so I don't believe in horoscopes or fortune tellin' or any of that shit. None of my wishes I threw in the Well of Abso-Fuckin'-Lutely Your Wish Will Come True ever materialized into reality. I think it's all a big bunch of baloney. But this, my friend, well, this is truly A Thing. I'd never admit to being a believer or nothin', but this might be as close as I'll ever get.

Now Rey had never even been NEAR the planet Yaeaou. The planets surrounding it are pretty much uninhabitable. Big ol' ice chunks, most of 'em, except for that one that's covered in pink mucus and just…reeks! No idea what that smell is. Anyway, Rey had actually never HEARD of the planet Yaeaou until about a year before she disapparated off that wretched circle of bilge, Mugdorf. And she never, ever woulda, if it weren't for Lady Wienta and her goddamn cards.

Lady Wienta was the local clairvoyant. And also the tax collector. Times were tough. Anyway, she told the townsfolk's fortunes for a small fee, and everyone believed in her even though, as far as I know, not a goddamn thing she ever predicted came true. I think people were too scared to call her on her bullshit because she was the tax collector too. Fear drives the hearts of many.

Now the only person who had never had her fortune told in that town was Rey. She had a mistrust of anything spiritual, said it hit too close to home, said it would give her nightmares or sumpin'. Maybe it had sumpin' to do with her parents, I don't know. But what I do know is that on one particularly hot summer night, Rey was at the local bar, and She Was Drunk. Like fifteen sheets to the wind drunk. She was higher than a horse. She was singin' on top of the tables, even though Harby the bartender was hollerin' at her to "Git the fook dawn, ya wee shite!" She laughed right in his face and then miscalculated her steppin' and fell right down on the dirty floor and Passed Out. Harby shook his head and looked up at his statue of this woman he called Mary, she was in some blue robes and had some tiny dude in her arms. Nobody could figure it out but he was so protective of it everyone just let him have his dumb statue. Anyway, as he was blatherin' on to it like an auctioneer, Lady Wienta came shufflin' by and ordered one of the men to pick Rey up and carry her to her fortune tellin' shop. A man named Jundle hoisted Rey over his shoulder and followed Lady Wienta to her shop, put her on one of the couches and then he skedaddled. I don't know how long Rey was all unconscious or whatever, but I know that when she woke up, Lady Wienta gave her a hot mug of firewurt and then proceeded to tell Rey her fortune. Now, according to Lady Wienta, Rey didn't protest or nothin'. Maybe it was all the drinkin' still in her, or maybe it was the firewurt, but that night she let that lady tell her her goddamn fortune, and that night Rey's life was forever altered, although she didn't realize it quite yet. Her future was etched on a stone still hidden from her. Or some shit. That's what Thaleem said. Damn. What a bug.

Anyway blah de blah blah so like from then on Rey had some kinda different look in her eyes. Wistful, some called it. "It's like her mind is on another planet, far away," one of the locals said. Lady Wienta refused to tell anyone the fortune she'd drawn for Rey. Confidentiality and all that. Gossip still sprang up, one dumbass theory after next. The most ridiculous one going around was that she was gonna turn her Toenail Salon into a Fingernail Salon. I mean come on, people. Make it realistic for christ's sake!

Anyway, Rey didn't let the rumors bother her. In fact I think she barely heard them. And nobody but her and Lady Wienta knew the truth. They'd both seen with their own eyes, the map of Rey's heart, leading her to a man who was tall, muscular, shoulder length hair, and a bright red scar on the left side of his face. On this planet she'd never heard of. And oh also he was kinda evil, but, ya know, she'd cross that bridge when she got to it.

It was a little puzzlin' that Rey believed Lady Wienta when she seemed like her biggest (silent) critic. But who knows what else she told her in that shop that night? Who knows what stirred inside of Rey that had been asleep for a lamb's age? People can change. Trust me, I've seen it. Some people sure can change. And some can't. That's just the way it is.


	2. UDM CH 2: One Way Ticket To Fartford

Chapter 2

By now you're probably puttin' three and six together and figurin' out that this dark, handsome fella was on Yaeaou, and that when Former Miss Toenail Queen went poof, that's where she was headed. Well, you're fuckin' right. Great job, genius. Pat yourself on the back. Except she didn't zip straight from Mugdorf and zap right to Yaeaou, she got sidetracked. Didn't even get outta the Cheetonium System for chrissakes. Love awaits, but you know, sometimes ya get distracted. What can I say?

Anyway, Rey is like particle accelerating through fuckin' space itself when all of a sudden _the buckle on her belt_ starts goin' off. She never even knew it could do that! And what's even more bizarre is it's just repeatin' one word: _kiss, kiss, kiss!_ Rey is like "What the fuck?" and she don't know what it means, nothin'! And then the voice starts sayin' other words! _Out of the orange, into the blue! Out of the orange, into the blue! If anyone can hear me, I need your help! I'm on this hellhole of a planet, Cofvefe, and I must escape! If you can hear this, you're my only hope!"_ And well, Rey, she's a nice girl, what can I say? So instead of headin' straight to her fancy, fortune-told man, and outta that dumpster fire of a solar system, she takes a reallllll hard left and lands down in Cofvefe, careful to avoid the Ass Region, because I'll just tell ya, ya don't wanna go there. I don't even wanna talk about-oh hold on my phone's ringin'. *answers phone* "Uh yeah this is the narrator? Who wants to know? Uh-huh. Yeah, no I stepped on her. Yeah I know, it's a goddamn tragedy. Nobody's more sorry than-wait WHAT? FIRED? BY WHO? *big pause* Oh you gotta be fuckin' kiddin' me! That crazy lunatic? Oh jesus. She's a fuckin' whack job! No, I know! She don't care about her reputation! What reputation she's referrin' to I got NO IDEA! Christ. This is the pits! Oh you're sorry? Well we're all sorry around here, pal! We're all fuckin' sorry! No YOU have a good day! Have the best day, BUDDY!" *hangs up phone*

Well fuck me 10 ways to Frangsday! That nutcase Darth Susan thinks she owns this entire mega-universe! Who does she think she is? Oh, you don't know who Darth Susan is? Well I ain't got much time to tell ya because she's probably sendin' her cronies over to dispatch me as I live and breathe and speak this very moment. But she's nuts. Absolutely nuts. Famous singer. How she got famous is beyond me. She wrote this terrible, sexy album about this rando named Joe and then he broke up with her because she was madder than a Tringdor with three legs! Poor guy. Not too good lookin' but real nice. Too nice, if ya wanna know the truth. Anyway, so she cracked up even more, like a fuckin' dinner plate, and now she's just insufferable. Honestly. I never met her myself (thank GOD!) but I know all about her. I read the news. I stay up to date. God. I can't believe that witch fired me! The nerve! Who's gonna tell the story now? Better be someone good.

Oh shit, I hear small crafts touchin' down outside. What a way to go, huh? Oh yeah, how the hell could I forget this next miniscule detail? She LIVES on Yaeaou. With that handsome guy Lady Wienta showed Rey in her fortune. Ya know why? Cause she's his _sister_. Yeah. Poor bastard. I mean he's like evil or whatever but she is just the _worst_. Oh, you probably wanna know this guy's name. Betcha been waitin' to find out. It's Kylo Ren. Well his birth name was-*clattering* HEY, NO, I DON'T WANNA GO! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! YOU CAN'T—wait what? You're not gonna kill me? Well that's a relief! But what's the catch? Oh. Oh no. I don't wanna go back there! My whole family is there! We don't get along, it's complicated! No! Please don't take me back to Planet Connecticut! I'll do anything! I'll do-well no I won't do that. Sigh. Fine. Take me. But you're gonna regret it! Mark my words! This won't be the last you see of me! I promise!"


	3. UDM CH3: Look What You Made Me Do

Oh my goddddd. That guy was _so_ annoying. He was like the Kanye West of the Muriatic Array. And now he's gonna be stuck forever on Planet Connecticut, one of the many toilets of this mega-universe that I will never ever have to visit. Because I'm rich. Ha! I just love banishing people. He's pretty low on my list, but it still always brings a smile to my red lips.

Anyway, my name is Darth Susan and I rule the planet Yaeaou with my brother Ben Solo. _He_ calls himself Kylo Ren, but I think that name is sooo 2007. He hates it when I use his real name, but he'll always be Ben to me. Sibling rivalry is so cute, right?

I'm basically the most successful singer in all of…space and time, really. I've dropped like a dozen albums and I'm very popular in all the solar systems. And I'm rich. Very rich. I can have anything I want. It's super cool. Really. Like I got this cat, oh my god, this is so funny. So he has these giant ears and these kinda drooping eyes and he looks Just Like Ben. It's hilarious! I named him Adam, what a great name for a cat, right? Ben hates him. I mean, it's obvious who got the good looks in the family (me, idiot!). And I don't have any freaky scars or anything. Unless you're talking about metaphorical ones. Like the knife in my back, salt in my wound, you know how it goes. Anyway I love Adam very much. He's everything to me, you know? Everything! Everything.

Anyway so Ben is like trying to take over the whole mega-universe and I always tell him, you should just become a famous singer like me and you'll be able to command anyone, anywhere. I tried to get him to explore his rap side and I was going to feature him on my new album (I am _such_ a philanthropist), but he said that it would be like, soooo embarrassing. Well Ben, I have the cassette tapes from when we were little and you were spitting Beastie Boys into your little microphone recorder. I could release them ANYTIME. Do you want me to do that, Ben? DO YOU?

Oh. Sorry. Just gotta let it out every once in a while, you know? Anyway so yeah, Ben is like totally a murderer and stuff, he killed all these little kids and then he killed our dad, which is like, whatever, our relationship was NOT even that great and besides I wrote some really killer (haha) songs about it, so everyone got their money and it all worked out!

But anyway, for the most part Ben is pretty focused on ruling the whole mega-verse and he doesn't usually get distracted but like, for the past month or so he's been like, in some kind of a daydream. And trust me, I know, because I've been in so many daydreams that I've lost count. He just gets this look in his murky brown eyes sometimes when he's staring out into the void, trying to plot his next murder, and you know he's off somewhere else, maybe floating in the Pentulma Asteroid ring, staring at the chunks of mauve and violet rocks, and thinking about…her.

Oh yeah, I know there's a her. Ben doesn't tell me his secrets like he used to when we were kids, but I heard him like four Frangsdays ago, talking in his sleep. I was in the kitchen, dancing in the refrigerator light, like I always do (I'm SO quirky), when I heard his baritone down the hall. I thought he was calling me to maybe apologize for not wanting to do the rap on my album and beg to be featured on it (sorry bro, but I already chose Fugmo the Ginger Hibbet to rap and he was so good everyone was like BLAM!), but as I stepped closer to his room I could see that his light was out and he was sleeping, but his lips were moving. I heard pretty much everything because I am an _excellent_ eavesdropper (I've had lots of practice).

" _Who? Who is coming? A girl? Why?"_ he said in a low, bassy whisper. _"When? Soon? From THAT galaxy? For me? But what is her name? And why?"_ and then it was INSTANT snoring. Like a Chatanoogy Freight Ship was blasting right through the wall. I quietly shut his door and tiptoed back to the kitchen. The fridge light was still there, waiting for me. And I danced. Like I was made of starlight.

So like, last night, oh man, Ben and got into it. It was bad. We've had fights before but this one, it was the blowout to end all blowouts.

I was listening to one of my hits, _22_ , in the kitchen, while eating my leftover lo mein from the fridge. I'm pretty sure it was mine? God, I'm so bad. I just eat like, anything. I just love food, you know? Crab Rangoon? Get outta here!

Anyway I was in the kitchen, it was night time, my album was blaring and the fridge light was washing over me, and then Ben walked in all moody and started yelling at me.

"Sue, why are you eating my leftover Chinese food?" he shouted. "I asked you if you wanted any when I ordered last night, and you said, and I quote, 'I'm on a cleanse!' So what the hell?"

I was like "First of all, Ben, call me _Darth Susan_! You know I hate being called Sue! Second of all, I know I totally ordered food last night. I remember saying, 'Oh my god I'm so bloated but whatever, do it!' So don't go telling me what-" And then he interrupts me? So rude?

"And the fridge light! You gotta stop this shit! My electric bill is through the roof! And you don't pay for anything!" I noticed his hands were kinda like, shaking at that point. "And stop calling me Ben. It's _Kylo Ren_! I going to rule this whole universe! Show me some respect!"

Oh here we go. I rolled my eyes. What a Drama Queen? Don't worry, I still know how to get under his skin. I slammed the take-out container on the counter. The chopsticks clattered to the floor. Then I smiled sweetly.

"You seem really aggro lately, Ben! Is it the control of the mega-verse that's still beyond your grasp? Is it that Mom sends me a birthday card every year but doesn't send you one? Or is it…" (I knew I had him here) "…the girl? From some rando galaxy? Who is she, Ben? Because I don't think you can stop thinking about her. I think she's _all_ you think about. Isn't she?"

His fists were clenched so tight I thought he was gonna break his own hands. "What," he said, his voice dripping with rage, "are you TALKING ABOUT? There is No Girl. There is no other galaxy. There is only me, and the mega-verse, and I am going to rule it. Alone."

I couldn't help but let out a loud giggle. "You're so funny when you try to act like Vader," I laughed. "But we both know you'll never be as powerful as him. Heck, you'll never be as powerful as me, a leggy blonde superstar who's gone platinum so many times I can't even count! Is this what this is about? Are you jealous of me? Am I just too powerful? Are you sick and tired of constantly standing in my shadow, never good enough for yourself, and especially not the universe?"

And then he said it. He. Said. It. Really quietly. He knew what he was doing. He looked me straight in the eye, and spoke calmly.

"I wouldn't know what that's like, Sue. Why don't you ask Joe?"

I felt my whole world crashing down on me. Actually my high heels slipped on a lo mein noodle and I fell right onto the kitchen floor, but…you know. I looked up at my stupid, worthless brother, and screamed through my sudden tears.

"YOU NEVER! TALK! ABOUT JOE! EVER!" I couldn't believe him. He was ripping the wound open all over again. Everything came flashing back to me. My name, carved on Joe's bedpost. The Dress. Dive bars on the East Side. Cleaning up bottles on New Year's Day.

Joe was supposed to be the end of all my endings. But my broken bones shattered a second time the day he left me. And Ben knew this. He knew how much it hurt me, and he didn't care. He broke the rules and used the one weapon he knew I couldn't fight against.

I tore my high heels off and scrambled back up to a standing position, where I jabbed my finger into his face.

I whispered, shaking, "I bury hatchets, but I keep maps of where I put 'em." And then I walked into the living room, picked up his 24 oz Darth Vader coffee mug, and hurled it into his brand new big screen semiotic-plasma TV. A spiderweb of cracks appeared instantly, and the mug broke, half of it thunking down onto the carpet. Ben stared at me, wide eyed.

"Look what you made me do, Ben! Look what you made me do! This is why we can't have nice things!" I screamed the words right in his face, and then flounced off into my bedroom, where I flopped, stomach down, onto my bed, and hugged my Fugmo the Ginger Hibbet throw pillow, and sobbed for the rest of the night.


	4. UDM CH4: Cheeto Dust to Dust

I don't know how long I was out there. It felt I like was somersaulting through that orange dust forever. Everything was gone, everything I had built, my whole life. Vanished in an instant. And now I was hurtling across the mega-verse to meet a man who had haunted my dreams for nearly a year. What had she called him—my…true love? You'd think I'd have forgotten all about him by the next morning, given how many drinks I'd had the night Lady Wienta told me my fortune, but instead she had chained him to the back of my mind, and that chain rattled endlessly, day and night. I didn't even know who he was. Lady Wienta just told me I that would go to him, because our fates were intertwined. And that we would fall in love. Oh, and, by the way, he was evil! Let's just throw _that_ into the mix. Why not?

In that vast, orange nothingness, I was suddenly struck by how alone I was, and had been, for a long time. Even on Mugdorf, I had kept to myself. I polished toe-nails with little conversation—the only reason they came back was that my work was exemplary; the best on the planet, some said. I had no reason for extracurricular relationships. I was only there until my parents came back. Which they _would._ And when they did, I would sell my shop and fly to whatever much better planet they had chosen as our new home. What was the point of making friends if I would just have to leave them?

But how would they find me now? I felt my breath quicken as my rumination gave way to steadily increasing panic. Was I really traveling all the way to a planet I'd never heard of to meet a man from a hologram some money grubbing Trelawney had told me I was destined to fall in love with? The instant that boy had told me the Imperial Guards had landed, it was almost as if everything went black, except for a glimmering crimson light in the middle of my mind, and that red flicker was _him_. The man on Yaeaou. And I had disapparated without a second thought.

But out there in space, all there were…were thoughts. And they started to shift, and turn into questions, and I began to wonder if I was an insane person. Did he even know I was coming? Would he try to kill me? Because remember, he's evil! Did I even _want_ this? Oh lord, what was I doing? This was crazy! I had to set course for somewhere else, anywhere else, but where, and I'd need BB-8 to-oh my GOD.

I had forgotten BB-8! How could I have forgotten BB-8? My stomach and heart were ricocheting every which way inside me. I had to call BB-8 with my BB-Beacon. But where was I going to tell him where I was going, when even I didn't know myself?

Suddenly I heard a lilting voice drifting up from around my middle. It was coming from my…BB-Beacon. But how? And who? The voice sounded like someone pouring honey over still-burning coals.

" _Out of the orange, into the blue! Out of the orange, into the blue! I'm sobbing in my cup of Covfefe and I need to escape! If anyone can hear this, anyone at all…I'm ready to cross the threshold from this orange, greasy world! O bird of paradise, flying at night, save me from Covfefe! I do, I want to move, out of the orange, into the blue! Out of the orange, into the—"_

At the last word, my BB-Beacon sputtered and sparked, before going completely dead. I pressed every button desperately, over and over, but it was no use. That rogue message had completely killed it. How would I call BB-8 now? Oh god, he was never going to forgive me for this. If I ever even saw him again! A sudden thought popped into my mind: I had no idea if the beacon worked between galaxies—and I didn't even know if I could fix it. If I went all the way to Yaeaou, I might not ever see BB-8 again. This was truly…a goddamn nightmare!

I started wracking my brain for options, but there were few. I couldn't go back to Mugdorf—the place was probably crawling with Imperial Guards, knocking down every door in sight. I sure as hell wasn't going to go to Planet Connecticut. You couldn't _pay me_ to even _look_ at that depresso orb through a broken telescope.

The only real solution was right there in front of me, but I kept batting it away like a pesky feng fly. I couldn't. I couldn't possibly. _Please don't make me_ , I begged in my head. It was a filthy, dangerous place, and I had been spared ever having to visit it thus far in my life. It seemed, however, that my life would spare me no more.

I reluctantly drew my wrist up to my mouth, and slowly pushed the microphone button on my disapparatus transmorter. "Full speed to…to…Covfefe," I squeaked, weakly. The transmorter dinged its "Roger that!" ding, and I closed my eyes as my body lurched in a new, much shittier, much less romantic, and definitely completely garbage direction.


End file.
